Why you can’t play guitar

I’m musically un-gifted, I don’t have a note in my head and have all the rhythm of radioactive decay. Most importantly I can’t play guitar, so as some one who obviously knows nothing about this I feel that it’s my right, nay my duty, to spout an expert opinion on the internet. That’s what Al Gore invented this for.

Why can’t you play guitar? Because you were taught in an ass backwards way. If you’re right handed you form the chords with your left hand and if you’re left handed you form them with your right. This is all wrong.

It’s all fine as you learn the basics. D is nice and close together, C is OK, nice and easy, G is a bit of a stretch. Am? A breeze. And then they throw it at you. The reason you can’t play guitar. The F word. Or in this case the F chord. As anyone who has ever taken guitar lessons will know, this is a the chord that stops you in your tracks. Hold down all the strings on the first fret with 1 finger, while using the other 3 fingers to hold down strings further up. Any sensible person would just stick a capo on and do an E chord. E, like the Am is an easy chord. You may have to pause mid verse to do put on the capo but it makes much more sense. If your sense of rhythm is anything like mine you probably won’t even notice the pause.

The F chord, it’s impossible, the grip strength needed is incredible. Probably about 4 million pounds per square inch. There’s no way to hold down all the strings like that properly. This is why you were taught guitar wrong. You’re right handed and trying to do this with your left. You’ll never have that grip strength.

My solution (Gerry’s Patent Pending Guitar School Trick)? A week before you start lessons just start wanking with your off hand. Grip strength skyrockets and that F chord? Sorted.